Date: Wed, 28 Nov :44 +0100
From: "solark36@yahoo.co.uk"
Subject: Peng (Revised)
Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional and not intended for minors or
those judged unable by law to read this material.
Any resemblance to
actual people is purely coincidental and unintended.
The author reserves all rights to this work.
H the love of my life was truly gone.
The illness had been
I do not know when he had contracted the disease.
The bacteria had
started eating up his body but he did not complain about the pain.
noticed him limping a little but thought it was just rheumatism.
realized that his limp had become worse, I called for the ambulance.
objected but gave in to my insistence.
His sixty-year-old body was too old
to resist the disease and in the end it took him.
Stupid man!
said something, he would have still been alive.
I had the money but not
the means to save him.
At the advice of a close friend and doctor, I got myself up to Edinburgh.
I was ask "Get away from here for a few weeks and make
some new friends," he had said to me.
So here I was at a restaurant in
Edinburgh, early one Thursday night, trying to do just what the doctor had
I first saw them at the restaurant.
One was about fifty and the other
seemed to be in his twenties.
They were laughing softly and talking.
seemed so happy together.
Seeing them happy made me sad.
Why did HE not
say something earlier and we could still be together?
I forgot that I was
facing their direction and the older one, who was seated facing me, locked
his eyes into mine.
I realized it quickly enough and turned away.
"Is there something wrong?" I heard a voice at my side.
I turned to see
the bluest eyes I had seen.
It was the younger man.
"Nothing," I attempted.
I guess he had seen my tears.
I did not even
realize that I had tears in my eyes.
"My partner had seen you looking at us and that you were crying," he
explained.
"I normally don't do this, but I sensed that you needed some
He nodded his head at the direction of his partner.
"Thank you," I said.
"I'm sure that two of you had a quiet dinner in mind.
Don't let an old man spoil that."
The older man had walked over in the meantime.
He had heard what I had
"We don't mind.
I just hope that we're not intruding."
I just smiled.
You're welcome to join me.
I'd like that, I
"Then, let me make some arrangements with the waiter," said the older
He moved to look for the waiter and soon the table had two extra
places set for the couple.
"You're Mr. Joseph Barker, aren't you?" the younger chap asked.
I was surprised.
I did not realize that there would be people who
recognize me.
I'm not a celebrity after all.
"Yes, you're quite right.
I'm Joseph Barker.
"I'm Michael Watson," the younger chap answered, "and this," he continued,
pointing to his companion, "is Martin McBain."
"Very pleased to meet you," I said shaking Martin's hand and then
Michael's.
"Call me Joe."
"We will, thank you ... uh ... Joe.
I'm sorry if my friend here has
startled you.
T'was I who realized who you were.
I mentioned it to him
when I saw you."
The waiter came to confirm our orders.
We had ordered before we joined one
When the waiter had left, Michael made a bold move.
"Sir, sorry if I sound too forward.
Is there something wrong?
You did not
seem at ease just now."
"No, Michael.
I'm all right.
It was just that I was thinking
of a dear friend who died a few months back and I got a little sentimental.
An old man does lose control of his emotions: a fault of the aging
mechanism."
"Oh no, Joe," Michael said, "I consider that a man who is brave enough to
show his emotions is not less masculine.
Any way, he must have been very
dear to you..." Michael stopped quite suddenly as he looked up.
to see a frown on his companion's face.
"Sorry, Joe, my young friend here does get carried away trying to help. I
hope you forgive us if we've been intruding."
"Not at all.
My friend was very close to me.
We practically grew up
However, I do think we shouldn't start our acquaintance by
discussing death.
We should be celebrating life, don't you think?"
Martin smiled when he saw how I had tried to move away from Michael's
"Yes, Joe.
Let's drink to life."
Martin raised his glass of wine and we
clinked our glasses and effectively moved to another subject.
We had a pleasant dinner and the two insisted on taking me out to lunch on
I accepted.
CHAPTER ONE: CHINA
I had just finished washing up and getting ready for bed.
I sat next to
the window and noticed the city streetlights.
I began to think of him
There was no sadness, just a memory.
A memory of what his mother
had told me:
Chang worked in a small merchant shop in Nanking.
He had head for numbers
and was quick with the abacus. His fingers seemed to be in a blur as he
flicked the discs, calculating the day's takings.
When he had finished he
handed the completed accounts to his boss.
His boss was very pleased with
his performance and promptly handed him his day's wages.
"Thank you, boss."
"You deserve it.
How long have you been with us?"
"This winter, it will be twenty years."
"That long, eh?
Heh heh ... my father had the good fortune of employing
you and that fortune is now mine.
Now get home to your family.
the little woman would have your supper ready for you."
"Thank you, sir."
Chang turned around to see Mr. Barker standing at the door.
"Good evening, Mr. Barker," Chang greeted his boss's regular client in the
few words of English he knew.
"Good evening, Chang," Mr. Barker replied.
"Boss," Chang called out in Chinese, "Mr. Barker is here."
His boss, Chen, quickly came out.
On his face was a great smile.
Mr. Barker was one of the more reliable foreigners in China.
He made his
payment promptly and was very careful in his dealings.
Unlike the other
foreigners, Mr. Barker made sure he understood the intricacies of the local
language and learnt the manner in which the business was run.
treated the locals as inferior but treated everyone with respect, even the
humble clerk, Chang.
Chang left Mr. Barker and his boss to discuss business.
He made his way
back to his home and his family.
As he reached the house, he noticed that
the lamp was not lit.
He grew irritated that perhaps his wife had
forgotten to buy the oil for the lamps.
As he neared the front door, he
noticed that all was quiet.
He pushed the door and it opened easily.
A great fear befell Chang as he entered the house.
The first person he
noticed was his son unconscious on the floor.
He called out for his wife
but was greeted by the voice of his sixteen-year-old daughter.
was quivering as she called out to him, "Father, Father, is that you?"
"Yes, child, what happened?"
The girl wept and began to relate what had happened just hours before.
group of ruffians broke into the house and beat up her brother.
that her brother had offended one of the gangster's sons by not cheating in
They had beaten half the life out of him within minutes.
mother and her had come to investigate the violent sounds that were heard
from his room.
When one of the ruffians saw her, he had a leer on his
Her mother rushed to block the way of the man and was pushed away.
In the process, she struck her head against the wall and fell unconscious.
With a dagger pointed at her brother, she was forced to be quiet as she was
When it all ended, she was dragged into another room and beaten.
She pretended to faint and was left alone.
When she was sure that the men
had left the house, she tried to revive her mother but was unsuccessful.
Chang grew enraged.
His wife was dead, his son was unconscious and his
daughter was violated.
He wanted to rush out to avenge them.
He came to
his senses when his daughter pleaded with him to try to save the boy first.
He knew what had to be done.
He told his daughter to throw on a cloak.
Then he lifted up his son and led his daughter towards his working place.
Mr. Barker and Chen were just finishing their business talk when Chang
Arrangements were made for a physician to see both children.
Chen brought Chang to the local magistrate to launch a complaint.
that could be done was done, Chen brought Chang back to the shop.
decided that Chang and his daughter should be put up in the shop.
be safer as it was facing a very busy street.
Two days later, Chen came calling at Mr. Barker's.
Barker was putting up
at a local inn.
"Mr. Barker, I have come to humbly request your help.
It is a question of
life and death," Chen said.
"What is it Mr. Chen?
If I am able to help, I will certainly do so."
"You have finished your business here?
You will leave tomorrow morning?"
I've already finished.
I can actually leave immediately."
"Mr. Barker, Chang's situation has gotten worse.
The magistrate is
I heard from a friend working in the courthouse that he will
issue a warrant for Chang's arrest tomorrow.
He is charging Chang with the
murder of his wife.
It seems that there are some who will be witnesses of
the crime."
"This is preposterous!"
Barker exclaimed in English.
Then, switching to
Chinese, he asked, "How can they do this?"
"They are going to charge him with incest, too.
They are going to insist
that he killed his wife because he was caught with his daughter."
"Nonsense!
How can they make up such a charge?"
"In time, perhaps the magistrate himself can be brought to justice.
However, until that is done, Chang and his daughter would be given the
death sentence for sure."
"What can I do?"
"I have purchased three train tickets for Shanghai this evening.
could take them with you back to Shanghai, it would buy them some time.
Normally, they do not check the cars that are occupied by foreigners.
Furthermore, the warrant will not be issued until tomorrow and so Chang
will be safely on his way to Shanghai then.
The magistrate will not know
where to start looking.
I will be in your debt if you would agree.
is a good man and his daughter a good girl.
To have another tragedy occur
to the family would be a great shame indeed."
"Certainly," Barker said immediately.
He had already made up his mind to
help the clerk that he had come to respect.
He was a hard worker and an
honest man.
Barker was distressed that such injustice could occur to good
He was ready to right any wrong.
"What about his son?"
"The younger Chang is with the physician at the moment.
He has not
regained consciousness and the physician fears that he won't survive.
if he lives, he would be bedridden for the rest of his life."
Chen shook
his head sadly.
"Thank you for assisting us.
We are forever in your
"No, Mr. Chen, I'm greatly distressed by the tragedy that has befallen this
I owe it to myself to help him out in some way."
Mr. Chen left the tickets with Barker and left.
About twenty minutes
later, the Changs came and hurriedly they left for the train station.
No one disturbed their trip to Shanghai.
It was at breakfast on the train
that a Frenchman mentioned to Barker that the Japanese naval fleet was
beefing itself up and there was a possibility that the Japanese were
thinking of invading the Korean peninsula.
Knowing the ambition of the
Japanese cabinet, it was just a matter of time that the Japanese would
reach the Chinese border.
With the disunity of the warlords in China at
the moment, China would be an easy target.
Although the official line
would be that the troops would be united in the event of an invasion, the
reality was that there were some warlords who were making friendly moves
towards the Japanese.
It was there and then that Barker decided that he should return to England.
When he got back to his car, he suddenly decided to bring his Chinese
charges back to England too, if they were amiable to the idea.
"Would you like to go home with me?" he asked in Chinese.
"I don't like to be a burden, Mr. Barker," Chang replied.
"We owe you so
much for allowing us to be in your car.
To put us up in your home would be
too much to ask of you."
"I mean that I would like for you to come back to England with me."
Chang became silent for a few moments.
"Mr. Barker, you are asking us to
leave our motherland.
Is there a reason for doing so?
Is it because the
situation is more serious than we anticipated?"
Barker took a deep breath and tried to explain the intricacies of
international politics and the seriousness of the situation in China.
"Chang, if I'd known of the news after we'd parted ways in Shanghai, I
wouldn't feel so bad.
Somehow, I feel that I should help you all the way.
If I'm wrong and the Japanese don't attack, I could book you passage back
Chang was in two minds.
However, when he saw his daughter beside him, he
made up his mind.
"Thank you, Mr. Barker, I will take up your offer."
My eyes grew heavy.
I looked at the clock and saw that it was already two
in the morning.
I decided to turn in.
CHAPTER TWO: EARLY MEMORIES
I woke up with the sun in my eyes.
I lay in bed for a few moments before
stretching.
I got up and got into the bathroom.
I took a look at the
clock and saw that it was already half past nine.
I took a piece of toast and a cup of coffee for my breakfast and left the
I decided to take a walk in the nearby park and just have some
light exercise.
After all, fresh air and a brisk walk were good for the
I walked for at least three-quarters of an hour and then decided
that I should take a rest.
My body no longer had the vigor of my younger
I sat down at a park bench and my eyes began to wonder.
people walking and talking and some were just spread out on the grass for
Then my eyes caught some children playing.
Their laughter
brought back very warm memories.
I must admit that my earliest memories did not involve my father.
involved Chang, or Uncle Chang, as I used to call him.
My father was
already married with three children when he returned from China with two
extra persons in tow.
My patient mother listened to my father's
explanation and accepted the two obviously different people into our home.
Things happened really quickly.
Within a month from my father's arrival
home, it was apparent that Aunt Mei, Uncle Chang's daughter was pregnant.
My mother helped her through a difficult time.
We moved to the country
because of the war and my father was called up to serve in the air force.
I was told by Aunt Mei that I was born about nine months after my father's
departure.
Needless to say, I was the product of a very passionate last
night for my parents.
My three older siblings were very different from me.
When my father left,
they took it really hard.
I never had the chance to experience the
separation of my father and I was the jolly little toddler to everyone.
oldest brother, William was ten when my father left.
He became sullen and
quiet until after my father returned.
I think he never recovered from that
separation experience.
My mother told me that even though his disposition
was better when my father returned, he was never the same happy-go-lucky
person that he was before.
My older sister, Harriet, came next.
She handled the experience in a
slightly different way.
She became very bossy.
She was only seven when my
father left.
I never liked her. She used to check on everything I did for
as long as I can remember, right until her deathbed.
I know she meant
well, but frankly, her methods left a lot to be desired.
My older brother Simon also became quiet but he was a gem of a son and
He became thoughtfully quiet, always unassuming and getting the
He was only six when my father left and he became the helper
around the house.
Though Uncle Chang was always around the house, Simon
became his shadow of sorts.
He would help Uncle Chang in the garden
growing vegetables or tending to the chickens.
He would help my mother
fold the washing when it was dry.
He was quiet, but hardworking.
sure that he was Uncle Chang's favorite.
I know that Uncle Chang treated
Simon more like a son than his employer's son, though he would always refer
to my brother as "Master Simon".
I wasn't even born when my father left.
All I can remember now is
that I was a very happy child with Uncle Chang and Aunt Mei.
Most of all,
I had a good playmate, Peng.
He was the son born to Aunt Mei.
were different in appearance and age, we were almost inseparable.
day we would be playing in the backyard under the watchful eyes of my
mother or Aunt Mei.
I can still remember the little wooden box that I was
placed in whenever I was in the backyard.
I wasn't allowed to move freely
because I was too young.
I was probably placed under the care of Aunt Mei
when my mother went out to work.
I do remember my mother and her warm
soothing voice that rocked me to sleep in the night.
My mother said that I was afraid of my father the day he came home.
war was still going on, but my father was injured by a grenade, and he was
discharged.
I never knew the full extent of his injuries until I saw him
without his shirt on when I was seven or eight.
The left half of his back
was scar tissue and it seemed to have stretched down to his left leg.
father walked with a very slight limp after the war.
We never mentioned it
to him, because his injuries made him very moody.
I was going to three
when he returned.
It was 1944.
I rushed to my mother's instead when he
held out his arms.
My other three siblings did the natural thing, and
hugged and kissed him.
I always wondered if that was why he
always seemed to dote on me a little more.
However, I warmed up to him
within a month or so, according to my mother.
My parents had two more children: a girl and then a boy.
When my younger
brother was only three, my older brother Simon died.
He had never been
strong in his constitution but he never let his pain or discomfort bring
anyone down.
He caught scarlet fever just after his fifteenth birthday.
remember that the doctor quarantined the whole family during the time.
father was out at work at the time and he had to live away from the family
for about three weeks.
None of the children, except Simon, of course,
showed any symptoms of the illness during the three weeks.
We were kept
downstairs and were not allowed to go upstairs at all.
We had to share the
one bathroom behind the kitchen.
All the boys slept in the living room and
the women and girls in the study.
Uncle Chang took turns with my mother to
look after Simon.
Usually, he would take the night shift and would sleep
Simon never recovered from the illness.
Even when the fever left him, he
was too weak to walk.
He remained in bed for four months before he died.
I know that my mother cried for days after his death.
I still remember the
day he died.
He had woken up very early that day.
Uncle Chang was still tending to him
in the nights.
Uncle Chang said that he awoke suddenly at about five, just
before the sun arose in late spring.
He looked over to see Simon looking
at him with a smile.
When asked, Simon said that he wanted to remember
Uncle Chang just the way he was, a caring and loving person.
Uncle Chang
just smiled and asked why he was up so early.
Simon mentioned that he
wanted to see the sun rise.
He asked Uncle Chang to bring him to the chair
to see the sunrise.
Uncle Chang carried him and placed him on his lap next
to the window and they enjoyed together the brilliant colors that
accompanied the dawn.
Uncle Chang brought Simon back to the bed and helped
him to wash up.
My mother and father came in just as Simon had finished
washing up.
They were also surprised that Simon woke up so early.
looked radiant and awake, unlike the usual weak pallor that he wore on
other days.
Uncle Chang excused himself to prepare Simon's breakfast and left the room.
My father and mother spent some time with Simon.
Simon made them laugh by
telling them a few jokes.
Till the day she died, my mother remembered
those jokes that Simon said.
Simon made a request of my father.
wanted my father to come home early that night to be with him.
It was the
first request that he had made of my father since he was confined to the
My father agreed without a thought.
He was happy that Simon was
getting better.
Throughout the day, Simon made reque even my younger
brother was asked to sit on his bed.
Simon always made him laugh and Simon
made a great effort to tickle him.
Strangely, little Raymond did not run
away but let Simon tickle him a little.
Both their laughter brought my
mother into the bedroom.
She chided Simon for not thinking about his
health and what that excessive laughter would do to him and Raymond for
misbehaving with his sick brother.
The tenseness disappeared almost
immediately when Simon apologized.
He had what my older sister would call
'puppy dog eyes' and my mother could never refuse to forgive Simon.
He talked to Peng and me for about forty minutes.
I don't remember most of
it but I do remember several parts of it.
"Most of all Joe, you must always treat Peng as an older brother, a friend
to be looked up to.
Never, promise me..." Simon said with a serious voice.
"I promise..." I said, feeling as if I was being scolded.
"You must never treat Peng as if he is your servant even though Aunt Mei
and Uncle Chang are really hired by Daddy and Mummy.
Peng is your friend.
I have watched both of you grow up together and you are great friends.
must never treat him less than a friend."
"I promise," I said meekly.
Frankly, it took me many years before I
finally understood what Simon actually meant by those words.
"Peng, you must promise me that you will never allow Joe to take advantage
You are two years older than him and you should not let him order
you around."
Peng just nodded his head.
He had always been careful around Simon and
He was always more friendly with me, but he had begun to change
his ways a little then.
I did not really realize it, but it must have been
his grandfather who made sure that he did not get too friendly with me.
Uncle Chang is a very traditional Chinese man.
He considered it improper
for the help to be too familiar with the employers.
He owed a great debt
to my family and he did not want Peng to overstep his boundaries with
respect to his benefactors.
Simon just shook his head with Peng's response.
These next words I will
always remember now.
"Peng, you are going to be a great help to Joe.
I don't think he realizes
I know you will always be his closest and greatest friend, but I
don't think he will always be yours.
Please don't ever not be his friend,
no matter how much he hurts you."
Peng answered, "Master Simon, your brother is very dear to me.
to always be his friend."
Simon was all right until half past six.
My father came back immediately
after work at about six and after washing up sat by Simon, talking to him
whilst my mother and Aunt Mei prepared dinner.
There was a sudden shout
from my father and that brought everyone to Simon's room.
Peng and I
reached there first and quickly moved to a corner when my mother arrived.
"He's fading fast!" my father said sadly.
"He made me promise not to be
My mother just wept.
Aunt Mei immediately went down to call the
"Daddy, mummy, please don't cry.
I'm all prepared to leave.
Please don't
make me feel sad leaving here," Simon said weakly.
It was clear that he
was struggling.
Then his breathing became very quick.
I was very afraid
I remember feeling cold all of a sudden.
My father held one of his
hands and my mother held the other.
I held onto Peng who was beside me.
Uncle Chang ushered my brothers and sisters into the room.
The five of us
stood at the foot of the bed with the Changs behind us.
I don't remember
how long we just stared at Simon.
There was the doorbell, indicating that
the doctor was finally here.
Then we were all ushered out when the doctor
I think the doctor was not in the room for more than five
minutes, but it seemed like an eternity then.
When we were finally called to go into the room again, the doctor was
standing by the side of the bed with my parents assuming the places they
had before.
I could see Simon sleeping.
My parents released Simon's hands
and asked us to bid Simon goodnight.
Following my mother's instructions,
we planted a kiss on his cheek and said goodnight.
That was the last time I saw Simon alive.
The next morning, when Raymond
and I got out of bed, Simon was gone.
I was told that I didn't have to go
to school that day.
It was then that I knew for certain that Simon was
His funeral was a crowded one.
His schoolmates came.
My cousins, even
those that I've never met before were also there.
Many of the neighbors
came, too.
It was after the funeral that I found out that Simon had been
tending the flowerbeds of some of our neighbors.
He was indeed a
well-liked teenager.
The memories of Simon and Peng brought tears to my eyes.
If only my doctor
could see me now.
He had ordered me to get out of London so that I could
cheer myself up.
Unfortunately, I was crying again.
After lunch at a small little cafe, I took a certain direction and started
After all, I did have the map with me and if I got lost, I could
grab a taxi and be back in my hotel easily.
There was no problem at all.
I walked, slowly taking in the sights and the beauty of the city.
know I ended up there, but I soon came towards the University.
that it was a good time to turn back and head back towards where I started.
As I walked, I saw students going to and from the University.
I began to
think about the ten years I spent in school.
I did not go to a very prestigious boarding school, but any boarding school
was considered an improvement over a public school.
After Simon died, my
father decided that Raymond and I should go to a boarding school.
meant that Peng and I were to be separated.
I was not happy with the
decision but dared not say anything.
In those days, we just did what our
parents decided.
I found out later that it was Uncle Chang's idea.
"Mr. Barker," Chang came to the study one summer day, "may I have a word
with you?"
"Of course, Chang.
"Thank you, kindly, Mr. Barker."
Barker had long stopped trying to tell
Chang to call him by his first name.
Chang had insisted that it would be
improper to call his employer by his first name.
Chang continued, "It's about Mei."
"Yes, sir.
There has been an Englishman coming to see her quite often.
I'm afraid that he is quite smitten by her.
I do not know what to do?
do not know the ways of the English and I really do not know if he is a
good person.
Mei likes him but is also afraid.
He does not know that Mei
has a son born out of wedlock.
I suspect that he thinks Peng is my son.
was wondering if you could instruct me what to do.
I know that my daughter
should get married but I am afraid that if we are not careful, she might
make a mistake and then be in trouble again..."
Barker knew what Chang meant.
Since coming to England, the only experience
of English life that the Changs had was that with the Barkers.
factor had entered their lives.
Whilst Chang had not expressedly opposed
the possible marriage of his daughter to an Englishman, Barker knew that
Chang wanted to protect his twenty-seven year old daughter as far as
"What is his name?
I will have a chat with this fellow and then come back
to you with the necessary information."
"I don't know his full name.
He is a helper at the greengrocers.
believe his name is George."
"George ... I think I know who you are referring to.
Do you wish me to
inform him of Mei's history?"
Chang thought for a short while before replying, "Sir, I believe that it
would be best.
Though that might spoil the chances of Mei being happy, I
believe that it would not be good to have secrets of this nature in any
relationship."
"Very well, then, Chang.
I'll talk to him before the week is over."
"Thank you Mr. Barker."
Barker had a long talk with George Taylor in a pub.
During the weekend,
after consultation with his wife and making some telephone calls, Barker
called Chang into the study.
"Chang, I have some good news and some not so good news."
"Yes, sir?"
"Well, George Taylor (that's his name) is sweet on Mei.
He's seriously
thinking of asking her out and even thinking of marrying her."
Chang just nodded his head and remained silent.
"He has no problems with Peng being Mei's son.
In fact, he was angry when
I told her of the things that happened to her.
On that account, I think
that George is a good man.
He doesn't believe that Mei was to blame for
what happened to her and he admires her courage for bringing Peng up.
However, things are not so rosy with his family.
His family is actually
not so keen of having a Chinese daughter-in-law.
They had actually tried
on some occasions to look for a match for him in the past.
When he met
Mei, he decided that Mei was the girl for him.
He took quite a lot of
effort to convince them that he wanted Mei.
However, if it be known that
Mei had a son, there'll be problems."
"So, what can we do?
I want Mei to be happy, but I do not want her to be
ashamed of her son."
"George has thought of a plan.
He's actually saved enough money to open
his own shop.
A friend of his in Reading is planning to retire in two
years and has offered the shop to him. Until then, he's to continue working
where he is and stay with his parents.
If Mei agrees to marry him, he and
Mei may have to stay with his parents after the wedding until the new shop
Between now and then, if no one breathes a word about Peng's origin
to anyone, he might be able to marry Mei and then get Peng to live with Mei
and him in Reading in two years time."
"It seems like a good idea.
However, how are we to prevent people from
asking about Peng?"
Chang thought for a while and said, "if we could send
Peng away to school, how good it would be?
However, I cannot afford to
send Peng to boarding school ..." Looking up, Chang saw something in his
employer's eyes and quickly continued, "Mr. Barker, please do not offer to
send Peng to school.
You have given enough to the Chang family.
be a sin to accept more."
Barker anticipated this response.
He said to Chang, "I have a relative in
Reading who is living on her own.
A young student like Peng may be what
she needs.
She's not an invalid but a ten year old lad who can do some
chores and keep her company may be able to give some cheer to a sixty-four
year old woman."
Chang looked quizzically at Barker.
Barker explained with a smile, "I've a
cousin in Reading who is sixty-four years old.
She's a widow with a heart
condition.
She has no children of her own and doesn't want to leave
I called her and explained the situation.
She's very willing to
help by letting Peng stay with her.
It's not going to be totally free, of
You'll have to foot the fees for Peng in the school at Reading and
Peng will have to do chores in payment for his stay.
What do you say?"
"I think it is a good idea.
However, I don't know if Mei is up to the
Barker smiled.
He had already thought of Mei and asked his wife to help.
"Don't worry Chang, Evelyn is now talking to Mei."
Chang nodded his head in appreciation.
Barker had been more than an
he had been a good friend.
Chang just didn't know how he could
repay Barker.
He also had a few suggestions of his own.
"Mr. Barker,
could I make a suggestion that may help more?"
"Let's hear it, Chang."
"So as not to make Peng feel as if he is being singled out, could I suggest
that Master Joseph go with Master William to the boarding school.
both boys would not feel too sad.
With Peng going away, I'm sure that
Master Joseph would feel that it was not fair..."
This is just capital!
Chang, you think of the best ideas.
both have to go away to school, then the blow wouldn't be too great.
only thing we would have to explain is the reason why Peng has to go to
Reading instead.
This is capital!"
So that was it.
I went to my boarding school in Wales.
It was a different
one from my oldest brother's school because he was preparing for his Senior
Cambridge Certificate.
I went to a school for younger boys.
I went to my
father's alma mater and Peng was sent to Reading.
CHAPTER THREE: SUMMERS OF YOUTH
When I went home in the summer of 1953, I discovered that Peng was no
longer staying in the house.
His mother and her husband of two years had
moved to Reading and Peng was staying with them.
It was a great blow to
A great fear overcame me as I realized that things were going to
change and it was not always for the better.
I was consoled when Peng came to stay with us for a month.
Peng had become
more reserved.
He was not as physical with me as before.
He was also more
It was the hottest part of the summer and I was often without my
We usually spent the days in the field behind the house and under
the shadiest oak tree there.
I would just remove my shirt because it was
Peng, on the other hand, would not bare his body.
He would leave
an undershirt or singlet on.
One night, I woke up suddenly.
Peng was sleeping in the same room with me.
He was mumbling something.
I soon realized that he was dreaming.
facing his bed when I opened my eyes.
Peng was probably having a dream.
was about to turn away when I heard distinctly, "Master Joe, I love you."
He said the last three words in Chinese.
I did not know much Chinese, but
I definitely knew what those Chinese words meant.
I had overheard Uncle
George ask Aunt Mei how to say it in Chinese and she told him.
when they were dating.
I had heard him say it to her during the last
I was sure what those words meant.
I was awake for a while, trying to understand why Peng would say that.
was different from the word 'love' that Uncle Chang used on Peng.
was one word for love between parent and child or between siblings.
was another word for love between boy and girl, man and woman.
used the latter.
In those days, homosexuality was almost never talked
about in England, at least not in my circles.
I was confused but like all
other things that puzzled me, I did not seek my parents.
I kept it in my
I wasn't pondering about whether there was such a thing as boy-boy
love, but I was wondering if I loved Peng the same way he loved me.
The next morning, I pretended that I heard nothing.
There was nothing to
indicate that Peng knew he had said those words.
After all, I learnt in
school that many people don't remember their dreams.
So, I was safe.
The rest of the month went on normally, except that I was usually quite
tired during the day.
I actually tried to stay up as late as I could to
see if Peng was having that dream again.
Needless to say, I did not hear
those words again, and as the month reached its end, my keeping vigil at
night caused me to be very lethargic in the day.
Peng was concerned that I
was getting ill but I attributed it to the hot and warm summer days.
Generally, Peng was fun to be with, though it would have been better if he
were less passive.
He made suggestions only when I had no ideas on what to
He went along with all my decisions.
It was as if he were pampering
I must admit that I liked it, though there were times when it was
The month passed quickly and Peng had to go home.
Soon, the rest of the
vacation flew by.
I went back to school and continued with my education.
I had a few more summers with Peng, but each time he would seem more and
more formal with me.
He had always called me Master Joe because his
grandfather required that of him.
I tried to make him drop the 'Master'
part and just called me Joe, but he would always refuse politely.
threatened to sever the relationship.
I remembered the sorrow in his eyes
when he said, "Master Joe, I can't disobey my grandfather.
Please don't
make me disobey him."
I gave up trying when I realized that I was actually
putting him in a difficult position.
That happened in my sixteenth year.
I entered the university in my nineteenth year.
I had put up a great
struggle to make it into the University.
I ended up with 'B.A. (Hons)'
added to my name.
During the summers, James, my boarding school friend who
had gone to Oxford, would often get me to go backpacking in Europe during
the summer.
Fortunately, I managed to spend at least two weeks with my
parents during the summer.
My grandfather had died when I was nineteen and had left my father a rather
sizeable inheritance.
My father had made some good investments and was
able to afford the cost of my travels.
Actually, he only paid for my
travel tickets.
James insisted on paying for the rest.
My grandfather had
also left a country house to each of his sons.
My father moved the family
to that country house.
Uncle Chang moved with my father.
My father had
told him that he could retire and stay with us but Uncle Chang politely
said that he would continue to work until he was unable to.
Throughout his
sixties, he was still able to manage the household, even though the house
was bigger and there were more staff.
I did not see Peng after I entered the university.
He was helping
full-time in his stepfather's shop and I discovered that Uncle George found
him a very great worker, just like his grandfather, Uncle Chang.
my greatest surprise that I received news of his marriage.
"Master Joe," Uncle Chang spoke to me a week after my graduation.
grandson, Peng, is getting married.
His mother and I have found a wife for
him and he was agreeable to the match."
I instantly felt a flash of
Didn't Peng say that he loved me?
I quickly dismissed it as a
passing phase of youth.
"I would be honoured," Uncle Chang went on, "if you could come to his
wedding banquet."
"Of course," I answered.
I remembered the very interesting banquet.
Peng's bride was also Chinese.
Her family moved to England to escape the Maoist Communists.
Her family
was more fortunate.
They managed to come to England with a little money
and they had started a business.
The laundry shop they had was small, but
I was jolted from my recollections by a clap of thunder.
Rain was uncommon
during this time of year, but I was not going to challenge the signs of
I quickly moved myself from the bench that I was seated on and
walked briskly towards my hotel.
It was already four and I was just in
time for tea.
CHAPTER FOUR: MARRIAGE
I sipped my tea from the cup, watching the storm clouds form.
I have often
looked out of my window from my study when it rained.
The rain here and
that of London is different.
As I look, I remember the rain that fell when
I met my wife Marge.
My bossy sister, Harriet had married when I was eighteen.
She married
Lawrence Pike, whom everybody calls Larry.
He looks like a simple bloke
because he lets Harriet boss him around, but looks can be deceiving.
knows how to get Harriet to do what he wants without Harriet even knowing
My brother William had gotten married a year after Peng's wedding.
Elizabeth was a very charming lady.
William courted her with a vengeance.
I must say that Liz was a good influence on William.
Due to her
insistence, he got familiar with the family business.
My father was
pleased and did not object when William approached him for his blessing to
be married to Liz.
Her father, I heard, was a hard businessman.
the enthusiasm at which William talked about business won him over.
convinced that firstly, William could hold out on his own, and secondly,
William was not marrying Liz for her money.
I had to cut my holiday short because of the wedding.
James was not
pleased that I had to leave earlier.
I managed to convince him that he
could still have fun alone in Paris.
It was there that he met his future
It was raining that day I got to the train station.
It was quite
I managed to get to an empty seat.
Marge was seated across from me.
I was traveling alone and so was she.
I smiled and she smiled.
Somehow we
started talking and then exchanged addresses.
We corresponded for a year
before she hinted that she would like to go for a date.
I almost did not
get the hint if not for my younger sister, Rose.
Marge had mentioned
something about a flower show in three consecutive letters.
complained to Rose that Marge seems to have nothing else better to say than
about flower shows.
She giggled and advised me to invite her for one.
was then that I realized what was happening.
I invited her for the show
and even out to dinner.
It was a weekend thing because she lived in
Manchester and I was working in London in a bank.
That was the beginning
of a long distance romance.
When I think of it now, I was attracted to
Marge's sense of humor and down to earth common sense.
She filled a gap
She was my companion and my confidant.
When we finally got
married, it was, for me, something that was expected of us as a couple
rather than because I was madly in love with her.
I was faithful to my vows on my wedding day.
I provided for my wife and
I did not I had normal sexual relations with
I made roman and I always included her in my
decisions.
I was certain that I was being the best husband that I possibly
Peng's marriage, on the other hand, was a failure.
His, like all
traditional Chinese marriages of the time, was arranged between parents.
He only knew who his wife was when the match was confirmed.
He had no say
in the matter.
It was all arranged.
Peng took it as it was expected of
Looking objectively at the situation, I must say that the breakup of
his marriage was inevitable.
Peng's wife was educated in one of the more
prestigious girls' schools in England.
She was not happy with an arranged
She married Peng because her parents threatened to disown her.
After her second child was born, she met another man: an Englishman.
left with the man.
Peng was devastated.
He was left with two children.
His wife's parents
were too ashamed to meet with him and left him alone.
Feeling like a
failure, Peng moved back with his mother and stepfather so that his
children could be looked after.
Uncle George welcomed him with open arms
even when he had two children of his own to look after.
The love of Uncle
George for his stepson could also be seen in the love of his two sons,
Geoffrey and David, for Peng.
It was the care and love of the family that
brought back his spirits.
In the autumn of 1974, Uncle Chang had a fall.
In the process he suffered
a stroke and was paralyzed on the left side.
He was in the hospital for
about two weeks.
After the critical period was over, the doctor advised
that he be sent home.
Originally, Peng came to bring Uncle Chang back to
However, my father thought it better if Uncle Chang stayed back
in the house.
The travel to Reading would be too tiring for him.
some cajoling, Uncle Chang agreed to stay in his room on condition that
Peng be allowed to look after him and take over his duties.
He did not
want my father to spend a single penny on a nurse for him.
Uncle George
reluctantly let Peng go.
When I heard the news, I left my three children
with my mother-in-law and traveled with Marge back to my father's house.
Marge had also grown fond of Uncle Chang because of his gentle and patient
When I first saw Peng, I was startled.
He had grown thinner and more
I had heard about his familial troubles from Aunt Mei and realized
that the trauma of the breakup of his family had given him more lines on
his forehead.
Uncle Chang lived another six months.
We all attended the
According to Chinese tradition, Peng and Aunt Mei were to mourn
for two whole years.
I felt so drawn to comfort Peng because I knew how
much he had loved his grandfather.
However, he put on a strong front,
being the pillar of strength for his mother.
It was there that I met
Peng's two children: a boy and a girl.
The boy was named simply Foo, which
represents 'fortune'; and the girl was Hwa, which meant 'flower'.
were a lot older than my children, and like their father, they were serious
looking and silent.
I guess age made the difference because I found my
children very clingy, especially my youngest, who we had named after my
late older brother.
After Uncle Chang died, my father gave Peng a choice to stay or to go back
to Reading.
Peng decided to honor his grandfather's wishes but wished to
be able to go back to see his children twice a week since it was not wise
to disrupt the lives of his children any further.
Thus, every Monday and
Thursday afternoon, Peng left for Reading and returned the next morning.
All this time, William had his eye on my father's house.
grandfather, my father did not invest in three houses for his three sons.
As my father got older, he left more of the business to William.
visited the house more often and began to make life difficult for Peng.
mother first noticed it.
She tried to talk to William but was brushed off.
Knowing William's temperament, my mother did not confront him.
Instead she
had a long talk with my father.
After reaching a kind of solution, my
father called me to the study the next weekend I was there.
Marge and I made it a point to visit her parents every Saturday afternoon
and my parents the next day.
I was always glad to meet Peng, though he was
not very talkative, I would try to find opportunities to talk to him.
would make polite conversations with me but they were often short because
he would be needed in the various parts of the house.
"Joe, could you come to the study for a while.
I have something very
serious to discuss with you," my father said.
I entered the study with him.
My mother was quietly talking to Marge and
the children.
"Yes Dad, what's on your mind?"
"As you know, I'm getting on the years..."
"You're still healthy, Dad."
"Don't interrupt me, boy," my father said with a slight smile.
had the same response from me when he mentioned his age.
"What I'm going
to say is important.
It may be unpleasant but it has to be said."
"Yes, sir," I answered meekly.
"First, I'm making you Executive Officer of SB Garments."
He paused as I
"I thought William would be taking care of that.
Naturally, he is the heir
to the company."
I was surprised.
SB Garments was just a subsidiary of
Fenton Enterprises.
My father smiled.
"Dear Joe, you always had a better head than William for
business but you've never used your talents.
Instead, you stuck by the
bank and you're not even an executive yet."
"Dad..." I groaned.
My father and I had many little debates over my choice
of careers.
"I know that you're happy where you are and you're contented.
making you Executive Officer of SB Garments is just one of the things I'd
like you to take up."
"What else is there in this 'surprise'?"
I emphasized the word 'surprise'.
"As you know, I inherited the smallest of your grandfather's companies: the
garment business.
I managed to buy into other types of businesses and the
other businesses are the money churning ones.
I think William will have
his hands full with the others and will get rid of it the moment he has a
He doesn't know it yet, but I'd separated SB Garments from the
rest of Fenton Enterprises about fifteen years ago, just as he was about to
marry Liz.
In effect, I own two companies, Joe.
William just does sales.
He knows nothing of the running of the company yet.
I will let him take
over the company next spring.
I'd like you to continue SB Garments.
be a shame if the company that has been in our family for almost two
hundred years was sold off just like that."
"But I know nothing about the garment business," I protested.
"You'll learn.
Look Joe, I know you can do it and you're not adverse to
He waited for me to nod before carrying on, "I'm hopeful that you'll
turn the company into a very successful company.
Don't let me down Joe."
My father was laying a heavy burden on me.
Yet, I knew that he
was right.
I could achieve it if I set my mind to it.
"Alright Dad, I
There's more..."
"There's more?"
"Yes, there's more.
I'm not giving you SB for free.
Raymond will have a
twenty-five percent stake in the business.
I've set the rules out.
wishes to sell, he can only sell to you and no other.
Ever since he
decided to go into the entertainment business, he's had no security at all
in his life."
Raymond had decided to be a musician and was a trombone
player in the local orchestra.
He was not terribly rich, but he got by.
I nodded, agreeing with my father's decision.
"And Joe, as a special favor to me, please take Peng back as your butler."
That last request took me completely by surprise.
"What happened?
Did he do anything wrong?
Surely, you're not thinking of
giving him up?"
"Joe," my father sighed, "Years ago, I promised his grandfather that I'd
take care of his family.
That included Peng who was already conceived.
Peng has been an invaluable part of the household.
I'm very happy with his
I'm asking you take over his employment because I fear that William
would give him the sack the moment he's able to.
I don't know why he's so
hostile towards Peng.
I'm asking you to help me fulfill my obligations.
When Peng lost his wife, George Taylor took him in.
Then, when his
grandfather died, Peng left George.
Though I know that George would gladly
take Peng back, I'm not sure that Peng would do that.
He'd think that he
was imposing on George.
He's so like his grandfather."
"But, I can't just accept Peng without consulting Marge?"
"Your mother is talking to her now.
Don't worry, I'm sure that with the
salary of an Executive Officer will be enough to pay for the salary of a
He smiled a little more before adding, "You'd better know this
Your 75% ownership of SB Garments comes into effect three months from
your taking office.
I expect that you'll tender your resignation the
moment you go in on Monday?"
I nodded, "Yes.
I've to tender one month's notice."
That is just enough time to handle the papers and think of a way to
break the news to William."
When I left Dad's study, I noticed that Marge was distant.
I moved to her
and asked if she was okay.
She looked at me in a strange way and asked,
"Did you engineer this?"
"Did you talk your father into making Peng our butler?"
I stared at her in unbelief.
I was not sure what she was getting at.
"No," I said simply.
She stared into my eyes and then smiled a little.
"Sorry dear, I just had
to make sure."
"Make sure about?"
"Nothing, dear.
I believe you."
This little encounter puzzled me, but eventually Marge revealed all to me.
Surprisingly, William took the news quite calmly.
He even congratulated me
on getting my inheritance before Dad died.
I thought it was of poor taste
and told him so.
He apologized but I wonder if he meant it.
Once Peng entered my household, a change overcame Marge.
She became very
extroverted.
She involved herself in gardening clubs, bridge clubs and
such social gatherings.
At first, I thought that because Peng was handling
the chores, she had more time on her hands.
However, her presence at home
became less and less.
Though she never neglected them, I think I spent
more time with my children than she did.
It was not that I did not trust
I had no reason to think that she was unfaithful to me.
However, I
did wonder why she changed so suddenly.
She was out on a weekend trip with her friends to Brighton the day my
father passed away.
I was annoyed with her because I could not get hold of
When I finally got her on the telephone, she just had enough time to
be punctual for the funeral.
Then, after the funeral, as suddenly as she changed into an extrovert, she
reverted to her old self.
I never had a straight answer from her whenever
I asked her about the changes.
My mother, on the other hand, became depressed after my father's death.
Her manner became erratic and eventually, she was confined to bed.
four years after the death of my father, in March 1985, my mother died in
her sleep.
The grief I had for my mother's death was not as great as that of my
I began to feel very guilty.
I wondered why I was not feeling as
This translated into my daily dealings with people.
Marge saw that.
She was very understanding.
She made me realize that I was probably more
relieved that my mother had died because she had suffered much being
bed-ridden.
I was very thankful to Marge for being with me and I told her
In the first time in many years, Marge took me in her arms and we sat
by the window looking at the stars.
I could just make out the same stars in the sky.
The rain had stopped and
the sky cleared.
The early spring sky was getting dark and I realized that
it was already half past six.
I had been deep in thoughts over my pot of
When I looked down, I saw that there was another empty pot.
waited for the rain to stop on two pots of tea.
It was this realization
that brought a familiar feeling in my loins.
I got up and searched for the
When I got out, I thought that it was the right time to order my
After all, I'm going to be alone again for my evening meal.
CHAPTER FIVE: DISCOVERIES
The meal was satisfactory.
I was not really interested in the meal anyway.
I forced myself to eat even though I had a poor appetite after the memories
that invaded my mind during the day.
I thought it wise not to retire too
early today, as I was not the least bit sleepy.
I walked and walked,
passing the shops that were either closed or just beginning to close.
met a man just closing up for the day.
His was a bookshop.
It was laid
out in a manner like my own study.
Another memory flooded my mind.
into the pub next to the bookshop and ordered a pint.
About a month after my mother's death, Marge announced some terrible news.
I had just come home from work when Peng told me that Marge was very upset
after coming home a few hours before.
I went straight to the study where
she was sitting and, obviously, had been crying.
"Marge, what's wrong?"
I sat beside her holding her hand.
"I discovered a lump."
"A lump in my breast.
I went straight to the doctors and they did a
mammogram.
They did a biopsy and I had my results today."
She went into
another fit of tears.
I held her close, fearing worse news.
"The biopsy
showed that I have a cancer and it has metastasized."
"How bad is the situation?"
I asked as calmly as I could but I could feel
myself trembling a little.
"The doctor said it was hard to tell.
The best thing to do is to operate
and then go through chemotherapy and radiation treatment.
frightened.
When I asked whether I'll survive, the doctor said that there
was a chance of getting the cancer under control, but he could not promise
that it was very high."
I held Marge close.
"I'll get the best doctors.
We'll get through this."
She shook in my arms and continued crying.
The children were all in
boarding school and we were all alone.
When she had calmed down a bit, I
looked at her and reassured her, "Marge, I'm here.
I'll always be by your
We'll get through this."
She gave a weak nod and I continued, "I'm
going to call Timothy and ask him to take care of business.
I'm going to
spend my time with you.
I'll call Dr. Browning to get the best doctors I
I know that we'll be spending our savings for old age, but what's
the use of savings if we can't spend it together?"
Marge looked at me with tears brimming in her eyes.
I love you
"And I you."
I spent the next day with her as the doctor that was recommended to us
prepared her for surgery.
The outlook was not very bright, but there was
That was all I wanted.
She went into surgery the next day.
surgeon came out of the theatre with a grim look on his face.
When I saw him, my face fell.
"Doctor, what's..."
"Mr. Barker, let me change out of these gowns.
Please come to see me in my
office in ... let's say ... half an hour?"
Can I be with Marge?"
"She'll be unconscious for the next ten hours at least and will be in
intensive care.
You can see her, but she's still under anesthesia."
"Thank you, doctor."
I was frantic.
That grim look on the surgeon's face eroded whatever hope I
I was on the verge of tears but kept them in check.
towards the intensive care ward, I saw Peng in the corridor.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to find out how Mrs. Barker was doing.
I'll go back if you so
desire," Peng said looking a little disappointed.
"Sorry Peng, I was just too upset.
I don't know what's the situation yet.
She's just been out of the operation theatre and the surgeon asked me to
Peng, I've this dreadful feeling that I'm going to lose her..." I
could not control my tears.
I buried my face in my hands and Peng put his
hand on my shoulder.
"Master Joe, if you worry too much about the future, you will miss the
present and opportunities would fly by."
I looked up at Peng.
He had become like his grandfather.
Uncle Chang
always had little sentences like these to encourage me in times when I was
Now, Peng was doing the same.
My tears had stopped and I felt
encouraged.
"Master Joe, you must first see the surgeon and then decide the next step.
Worrying right here is futile."
"Yes Peng.
I just want to see Marge before I see the surgeon."
"I'll be right here until you return from the doctor's."
Marge was a terrible sight.
She had tubes in her nose and a needle on each
There was a set of displays beside her bed.
I had wanted to kiss her
on the forehead but was afraid to disturb the wires and tubes.
I kissed my
fingertips and placed my fingertips on her forehead.
"Sorry my love," I whispered.
"This'll have to do for now.
When these
blasted tubes are taken away, you'll get the real thing."
What the surgeon had to say was not good.
They had discovered that the
lump in her breast was actually hiding another tumor in the lining of her
thoracic cavity.
It was a rare form of cancer that was difficult to detect
unless one actually was looking for it.
From the looks of the spread of
the cancer, the chemotherapy and radiation treatment planned for her would
only prolong her life, at the most, for a few years.
She'll probably be
confined to bed and be half conscious because of the morphine she'll be
given for the pain.
The doctor said that whether treatment was continued
depended on us.
As a doctor, he would definitely recommend continuing
treatment.
Because the treatment was not even a guarantee that she would
even live for more than six months, he was leaving the decision to Marge
and myself.
He gave me three days to think about it.
If we decided to
continue with treatment, he would arrange for immediate radiation and
chemotherapy.
Otherwise, it'd just be morphine to kill the pain.
I exited the office feeling totally helpless.
I went back to Marge and
cried at her bedside.
At one point, a nurse came to me and advised me to
go home to rest.
Marge would only wake up the next morning.
It would not
help Marge to see me in this state.
I thanked her for her advice and
headed out of the ward.
I poured out everything to Peng.
He listened without uttering anything.
When we got home, he prepared a special concoction and made me drink the
bitter liquid.
I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow and had a
very good rest.
Marge was looking fine.
We had several long talks.
She even had a private
consultation with Peng.
Then it was decided that she would rather not
further the treatment and she asked if she could go home.
The doctor said
that she could not be discharged before the sutures were removed.
asked not to be put on morphine because she did not want to feel groggy.
She was warned that painkillers were less effective in removing the pain
but she said she was willing to take the risk of more pain.
I must say
that Marge was a brave woman.
She took it well and within three weeks of
her operation, she was allowed to go home.
The sutures were removed but
the doctor wanted to be absolutely sure before letting Marge go home.
hospital contacted a home hospice society which provided care every other
day in homes.
They were a great help because they were qualified to
monitor the pain management.
During the time that Marge was in hospital, Peng did not go home to see his
They were both in university and Peng said that he was not
needed home.
Nevertheless, after a talk with Marge, he went home for two
Marge's sister, Penny came to stay with us for five days.
She left feeling
consoled that Marge was not depressed.
Rose, my sister, came in every
morning after Penny left to help us with the chores.
She was glad to help
because she was quite close to my wife.
About three days before Peng was due to return, Marge suddenly became very
temperamental.
I had taken breakfast to bed for her.
She had finished her
breakfast and she took her medicine.
I returned to her after washing up.
"When Peng returns, we won't have to trouble Rose any more," I remarked.
"You can't wait for Peng to return, can you?" Marge asked.
"I suppose ... what do you mean by that?"
I asked, puzzled at the tone of
her voice.
"I know you prefer him to me."
"What are you talking about?
You're my wife.
We have three children.
What do you mean that I prefer him?
The medicine must be affecting you
"You can't wait for me to die so that you'll be able to be with him," she
I was angry.
I tried to control my anger because Marge was beside herself.
"Marge, how can you say that?
I don't want you to die!
Come on, we've
been married for almost twenty years.
You know that there is no one else
"O ... I've seen the way you looked at him and the way he looks at you.
He's in love with you, you know.
He has something that I don't have and
you'll fall for him faster than you can leave me."
Her voice had grown
I looked around and saw a bottle of her medicine on the side table.
picked it up and read the label.
It was morphine.
The nurses that came
the day before must had given her the wrong medicine.
It must have been
the morphine that affected her.
I read the label again and it said that
the contents of the bottle were to be taken in three parts.
It was only
the morning and I suspected that Marge took the whole bottle instead of
just a third.
I began to panic.
Marge had overdosed herself with
She continued to scream at me when I picked up the telephone in the room.
I dialed the number of the home hospice center and told them the situation
in the din that Marge was causing.
They told me that they were coming
straight away.
They managed to administer a sedative to calm her down.
They apologized
for what had happened.
When they had visited us, I was out doing some
grocery shopping and Rose was with Marge.
Marge had complained of not
being able to sleep at night and the nurses, with the consent of the doctor
at the center, gave her morphine.
The amount of morphine she had taken was
not too much to cause an overdose, but it was enough to get a person high.
They only had an extra bottle left in their bag because ours was the last
call and Marge had requested no morphine.
They gave Rose the instruction
to divide the bottle into three parts and to give Marge one part after each
meal the next day.
Rose must have forgotten to do so and Marge must have
thought it was the one-third dosage that she was suppose to take.
When they left, I called Rose and asked her if she had forgotten to tell me
something about Marge's medicine.
She apologized profusely and asked if
Marge was okay.
I reassured her that Marge was all right but gave her a
stern warning not to take the medicines too lightly in the future.
When I went back to Marge, she was not asleep.
She was a little groggy
perhaps, but not sleeping.
She turned to me and apologized, "Sorry Joe, I
shouldn't have said those things."
"Hush, Marge, you didn't know what you were saying.
It was the morphine."
"But Joe," she countered, "What I said was what I felt.
It was not
imaginary.
I was not hallucinating when I said those words."
"Hush," I quietened her, "Rest first.
We'll have time to talk about it
I kissed her on the cheek and said, "Try to get some sleep, the
sedative you were given was to help you sleep.
Don't fight it.
talk over lunch."
I pondered over what was said those last few moments.
I started to analyze
my relationship with Peng.
I was very fond of him, I know, but I could not
possibly compare the friendship we had with the marital relationship I had
with Marge, could I?
I helped Marge to wash up when she awoke and led her to the dining room
where lunch was ready.
Marge was silent during the whole of lunch.
tried to make light conversation but she just gave monosyllabic answers.
After we had finished lunch, I helped her to the drawing room and prepared
I brought in the tea and poured her a cup.
Just I sat down with my tea, she said, "Joe, we need to talk about what was
said this morning."
"I'm listening," I replied.
"Joe, I know that we've been married for almost twenty years but until
today, I don't feel as if I've been your soul mate."
I started to protest but Marge put up her hand to stop me from speaking.
"Let me finish what I have to say."
"Joe, you've been a wonderful husband and friend and confidant.
never complain regarding your love for the children and me.
You've never
been unfaithful.
In fact, I think I've had a more roving eye than you."
I raised one eyebrow in surprise.
Marge let out a small laugh and said,
"That's what I mean.
You've never given another woman a second look
because you're so devoted to our marriage, whilst I have often cast my eyes
on a few men whom I find attractive.
Though I've never entertained the
thought of having an affair, I've been attracted to men other than you."
I tried to think of a time which I'd seen a beautiful woman that I fancied.
I couldn't.
Though I've been able to appreciate beautiful women, I have
never thought of them sexually.
It was not right.
Marge must have guessed what I was thinking.
"Look Joe, except for me,
you've never been interested in other women.
In fact you've not been
interested in women at all."
I thought again and realized that what she said was true.
"Joe, though we've been faithful to each other and have been together for
twenty years, there's still a part of you that I can't reach.
I don't know
how to describe it.
It's as if there's a part of you that will never be
known to me.
It's inaccessible to me.
I do know who has access to it:
"How did you get to this conclusion?
I've not done anything much with Peng
except talk.
I don't even share my intimate secrets with him, like I'v